Before I begin today's lengthy blog post, I want to mention Housewife2Hostess's $25 iTunes gift card giveaway! Her blog is fantastic; It is filled with home decor tips, beauty advice, and organization tutorials. Check her out!
The first time I ever used, he complained a bit. Then I used it jokingly a couple of times after to rattle his cage. But it did more than that. It flat-out made him annoyed. So I stopped using it. Even though I really, really wanted to. Ladies, just say no to someone that constrains your vocabulary!
But honestly, this story pales in comparison to some of the other psychos I've gone out with on dates. Close friends of mine have encouraged me to write a book of dating stories. For today, I'll just share one gem from that treasure trove. I hope it gives you some laughs!
Online DatingYes, I've tried online dating. If you're single in this day and age, nearly everyone has explored Tinder (see my other blog post about that), Match.com, or another similar site. One guy I met last summer seemed cute, if not a bit too eager to take me out. He insisted on taking me out the day after we started chatting, because the day after that he was leaving to do summer sales for the next three months. That was red flag #1. Summer sales guys have a reputation, and there's a reason for it. Red flag #2: he arrived at my front door (yes I let him come to my house, I know, idiot) and didn't look half as good looking in person. Next, he proceeded to ask, "Can you drive tonight?" Um, sure, I could drive, but why didn't he mention this sooner? Evidently his car was jam-packed with his belongings for his summer sales trip.
Red FlagsWe got in my car, and things went downhill from there. He insisted on getting food from Zupas (which is delicious and remains untainted by him) and then taking it to Rock Canyon Park for a picnic, even though there was an impending storm about to drop buckets of rain. But he planned the date, so I went along with it. As we ordered at Zupas, I asked for a sandwich, and the employee said, "Do you want a salad with that?" Before I even had a chance to respond, he said, "No, she's fine." I said, "Hey! I think I can decide for myself what I want." And I ordered the damn salad!
A Real PicnicWe took the food to Rock Canyon Park, where we sat for about an hour and I listened (emphasis on listened, not talked) to him telling stories that were a vain attempt to make him sound super bad ass. Thank goodness I made plans for after the date, so it couldn't go on until the early hours of the morning. I told him we should probably get going, and that, my friend, is when it happened: one of the grossest moments I have ever experienced on a date. It was sprinkling outside, but my car's air conditioning was broken, so I rolled down the windows to let in some cool air.
Digging for Buried TreasureOn the way back to my place, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was picking his nose. I'm not talking about some light scratching, I mean he was in full-on fossil excavation mode. Suddenly, he pulled out a fairly large booger out of his nose, examined it, and flicked it out the window. As a sat in the driver's seat, I began focusing on not dry heaving or going into involuntary convulsions. Did that really just happen? Yes, it did, and guess what: he did it again! Evidently there were two specimens that required extraction. This guy officially was tactless, rude, annoying, and now, unhygienic.
The story only gets worse from this point. We got back to my house, and he managed to weasel his way inside (I could have been more forceful about keeping him out, but I was still reeling from the booger flicking incident). I wasn't supposed to meet up with my friend for about an hour, but that quickly changed to 30 minutes after what ensued. We sat down on my sofa and I tried to engage him by showing funny YouTube videos on my phone. During the viewing of one of these videos, I began feeling him inch closer and closer. No. No, no, no, no, no! Then, I experienced something unusual.
Twilight: The Horror Movie VersionHe didn't try to kiss me. That came later. Suddenly, he breached the remaining space between us, and, I kid you not, bit my ear. I'm not talking about a seductive little nibble. He vampirically attacked me. "Ow!" I blurted out and jumped off the sofa. He then, seemingly pre-meditatively, grabbed me by the waist and pulled me onto the sofa and shoved his tongue in my mouth. Gag. I pushed him away, and told him that he was moving way too fast. He said, angrily, "Well, I'm just trying to figure out what you like!" Um, not you, bozo. I then told him it was time for him to leave, and for me to meet up with my friend. He said, "Gosh, I wish I wasn't leaving tomorrow for the entire summer. Now that I've met you I really don't want to go." Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!
I escorted him down the stairs, and then, at the door, he asked if he could get a goodnight kiss. I responded, "Oh, I think you've had plenty already." He seemed aghast, so I gave him the quickest, most chaste smooch you can possibly imagine, and nearly pushed him out the door, quickly locking it behind me, then silently screaming as a I went back upstairs. That's when I saw his sunglasses on the sofa. Oh no you didn't! I quickly scooped them up and put them in a Ziplock bag. After about 10 minutes, I cautiously opened the front door and set them on the steps. I then got in my car, left the area, and texted him to let him know their whereabouts.
Take a HintHe texted me a couple of times after that, but quickly got the hint that I was far from interested when I never responded. I would say that's the last I heard or saw of him, but my life, unfortunately, has too many random, freaky coincidences. About a year and a half later, I discovered he was student teaching at the high school where I taught. That's a story for another time. I'll leave it at this: he made eye contact with me once, which was met with a glare that said, "Talk to me and die." He didn't bother me after that.
Let me know if you'd like to hear more of my crazy dating encounters! Thanks for reading. Be sure to check out my social media links!