Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Monday, March 3, 2014

A Day or Two in the Life of Liz: Trespassing & Celebrity Encounters


It’s true. If something weird, bizarre, or extremely coincidental is going to happen, it’s going to happen to me. Case in point: my Sunday afternoon walk with my roommate Emma (who I’m pretty sure a couple of people thought was my life partner/gf/wife. Nope, I’m still single and looking for a man in my life. Although, she is indeed a lovely lady ;)

We walked around the lake by our house, and on the way back stopped to take a gander at some townhouses under construction. Emma wandered in through the open garage, and she beckoned me to come hither as she “ooo”-ed and “ahhh”-ed at the layout. I finally relented. Truthfully, I didn’t fancy wandering upstairs because there was no railing to support my lack of balance, but I braved it anyway. The layout was indeed gorgeous, with an open floor plan and huge windows gracing the front area. Emma checked out the next two floors but the stairs were too menacing for me to continue. Kind of like the time I hiked Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park, until the area with the chains began. No no no no no. I don’t do that kind of stuff.

After a few minutes, I thought I heard a noise outside, but it was a fairly windy day, so I just ignored it and continued to wait for Emma to finish her exploration. As we were about to leave, I paused to glance out the front window at the lovely view, and Emma suddenly said, “Um, Liz, there’s a car out front.” I peered down the stairs to the garage and yes indeed, a truck had pulled up, right in front of the garage opening. “What?! Let’s sneak out the front!” I exclaimed, but quickly realized this was not an option, as there were not yet stairs beyond the front door—just a huge drop off.  I tend to temporarily freak out in situations like this, similar to the time my good friend Kati and I bolted from the BYU Creamery our freshman year (that’s another story). To this day, I’m sure some people thought we were shoplifters.

Acting nonchalant and like it was completely normal for us to be on the property, we crept down the stairs and prepared to face the soon-to-be tenants. Luckily, they happened to be one of the nicest couples I’ve ever met. They introduced themselves and even took us on a 30-minutes tour of the property, telling us about their decorating plans. We were both pleasantly surprised and delighted that our future neighbors were charming and friendly, and that they didn’t mind us perusing the property. You see, situations like this became commonplace for me years ago. 

One of my favorite “incidents” was when I attended General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the Conference Center in Salt Lake. My friends and I exited the building after the end of the session and began to make our way toward the car. En route, I noticed a man who looked quite familiar to me. I was almost certain it was someone I knew—perhaps a professor from college or former church leader I knew in the past. Being the uber-friendly girl I am, I asked my friends to wait and I walked right up to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, sir, you look so familiar to me. Do I know you from somewhere?” He graciously extended his hand and said, “Senator Orrin Hatch, nice to meet you.” I shook his hand, smiled, muttered, “Nice to meet you too!” and escaped. Things like this used to be embarrassing to me, but now I just embrace them. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Tales of Dating Woe + $25 iTunes Gift Card Giveaway from Housewife2Hostess


blogging blogs giveaway iTunes
Before I begin today's lengthy blog post, I want to mention Housewife2Hostess's  $25 iTunes gift card giveaway! Her blog is fantastic; It is filled with home decor tips, beauty advice, and organization tutorials. Check her out!

Today when I commented on Housewife2Hostess's blog and my friend Ashton's FluentinBlonde, I used the word "über" as an adjective. As in über-chic, or über-organized. I like it. It adds emphasis. But guess what, dear reader. The last guy I dated hated the word. As in absolutely abhorred it. Sure, there are words most of don't like, such as moist (please don't stop reading my blog because I mentioned it!), but this was his word. So guess what: basically, I wasn't allowed to use it. I don't know how I ever managed to be in a relationship where a word had to be eliminated from my vocabulary, because I'm way too independent, free-spirited, and sassy for that kind of nonsense. 

The first time I ever used, he complained a bit. Then I used it jokingly a couple of times after to rattle his cage. But it did more than that. It flat-out made him annoyed. So I stopped using it. Even though I really, really wanted to.  Ladies, just say no to someone that constrains your vocabulary!

But honestly, this story pales in comparison to some of the other psychos I've gone out with on dates. Close friends of mine have encouraged me to write a book of dating stories. For today, I'll just share one gem from that treasure trove. I hope it gives you some laughs!

Online Dating 

Yes, I've tried online dating. If you're single in this day and age, nearly everyone has explored Tinder (see my other blog post about that), Match.com, or another similar site. One guy I met last summer seemed cute, if not a bit too eager to take me out. He insisted on taking me out the day after we started chatting, because the day after that he was leaving to do summer sales for the next three months. That was red flag #1. Summer sales guys have a reputation, and there's a reason for it. Red flag #2: he arrived at my front door (yes I let him come to my house, I know, idiot) and didn't look half as good looking in person. Next, he proceeded to ask, "Can you drive tonight?" Um, sure, I could drive, but why didn't he mention this sooner? Evidently his car was jam-packed with his belongings for his summer sales trip. 

Red Flags

We got in my car, and things went downhill from there. He insisted on getting food from Zupas (which is delicious and remains untainted by him) and then taking it to Rock Canyon Park for a picnic, even though there was an impending storm about to drop buckets of rain. But he planned the date, so I went along with it. As we ordered at Zupas, I asked for a sandwich, and the employee said, "Do you want a salad with that?" Before I even had a chance to respond, he said, "No, she's fine." I said, "Hey! I think I can decide for myself what I want." And I ordered the damn salad! 

A Real Picnic

We took the food to Rock Canyon Park, where we sat for about an hour and I listened (emphasis on listened, not talked) to him telling stories that were a vain attempt to make him sound super bad ass. Thank goodness I made plans for after the date, so it couldn't go on until the early hours of the morning. I told him we should probably get going, and that, my friend, is when it happened: one of the grossest moments I have ever experienced on a date. It was sprinkling outside, but my car's air conditioning was broken, so I rolled down the windows to let in some cool air. 


Digging for Buried Treasure

On the way back to my place, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was picking his nose. I'm not talking about some light scratching, I mean he was in full-on fossil excavation mode. Suddenly, he pulled out a fairly large booger out of his nose, examined it, and flicked it out the window. As a sat in the driver's seat, I began focusing on not dry heaving or going into involuntary convulsions. Did that really just happen? Yes, it did, and guess what: he did it again! Evidently there were two specimens that required extraction. This guy officially was tactless, rude, annoying, and now, unhygienic. 

The story only gets worse from this point. We got back to my house, and he managed to weasel his way inside (I could have been more forceful about keeping him out, but I was still reeling from the booger flicking incident). I wasn't supposed to meet up with my friend for about an hour, but that quickly changed to 30 minutes after what ensued. We sat down on my sofa and I tried to engage him by showing funny YouTube videos on my phone. During the viewing of one of these videos, I began feeling him inch closer and closer. No. No, no, no, no, no! Then, I experienced something unusual. 

Twilight: The Horror Movie Version

He didn't try to kiss me. That came later. Suddenly, he breached the remaining space between us, and, I kid you not, bit my ear. I'm not talking about a seductive little nibble. He vampirically attacked me. "Ow!" I blurted out and jumped off the sofa. He then, seemingly pre-meditatively, grabbed me by the waist and pulled me onto the sofa and shoved his tongue in my mouth. Gag. I pushed him away, and told him that he was moving way too fast. He said, angrily, "Well, I'm just trying to figure out what you like!" Um, not you, bozo. I then told him it was time for him to leave, and for me to meet up with my friend. He said, "Gosh, I wish I wasn't leaving tomorrow for the entire summer. Now that I've met you I really don't want to go." Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! 

I escorted him down the stairs, and then, at the door, he asked if he could get a goodnight kiss. I responded, "Oh, I think you've had plenty already." He seemed aghast, so I gave him the quickest, most chaste smooch you can possibly imagine, and nearly pushed him out the door, quickly locking it behind me, then silently screaming as a I went back upstairs. That's when I saw his sunglasses on the sofa. Oh no you didn't! I quickly scooped them up and put them in a Ziplock bag. After about 10 minutes, I cautiously opened the front door and set them on the steps. I then got in my car, left the area, and texted him to let him know their whereabouts. 

Take a Hint

He texted me a couple of times after that, but quickly got the hint that I was far from interested when I never responded. I would say that's the last I heard or saw of him, but my life, unfortunately, has too many random, freaky coincidences. About a year and a half later, I discovered he was student teaching at the high school where I taught. That's a story for another time. I'll leave it at this: he made eye contact with me once, which was met with a glare that said, "Talk to me and die." He didn't bother me after that. 

Let me know if you'd like to hear more of my crazy dating encounters! Thanks for reading. Be sure to check out my social media links! 

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Monday, January 13, 2014

Tinder 101: A Crash Course on the Perils of the Ubiquitous Dating App


Tinder swiping online dating apps profile
Nooooooo! We’ve all done it: you meant to swipe left, but you got so carried away showing your roommate how offensively horrible this guy was that you accidentally swiped right. Or you hit the stupid tiny “x” button in the upper right-hand portion of the screen while you were flipping through his photos. I have fairly small hands, but each time I try to use one of those instead of swiping, I think, “Is this an app for ants?!” Worse than the accidental swipe, however, is waking up the next morning semi-excited at the “You have a new match!” alert, only to discover the long-bearded, crazy-eyed hobo you accidentally swiped on has not only also swiped on you, but has already messaged you. Block. Block. BLOCK!





Tinder swiping online dating appsThen, you suddenly feel even more despondent with your dating life, when you ask yourself, how come Meatloaf is messaging me, but the hottie that supposedly swiped right on me has yet to say a word? And yes, you messaged him. It’s not like you’ve got to play hard to get that much given the fact that you both found each other’s pictures enticing. But seriously, why do people even use this app if they never talk to each other? I know it’s not just me. It happens to guys too. Despite the false comfort of anonymity behind the private texting function within the app, and that fact that you can block the person and make them disappear (but be careful, I’ve had “blocked” individuals suddenly reappear in my swiping pool), most people seem to still be morbidly afraid of branching out. There’s an epidemic of not being able to start a conversation in real life or online, evidently.



Tinder swiping online dating apps
My other question is, and let me know if you feel the same way, what's up with the plethora of unattractive guys on Tinder lately? I feel like for every 15 scary ones (and I do mean scary—some photos make my jaw drop or I scream) there’s one normal-looking guy to whom I might consider giving a little right-side swipearoni love to. Honestly though, I have never seen so many ZZ Top-bearded, creepy-eyed, freaky deaky men on there as I have in the last month. Truthfully, I’m not sure which is worse—those guys or the Vegas-slick ones with the bathroom or gym selfie pics in basketball shorts that are so low-slung you wonder…yeah, you know what I’m talking about. But let’s be honest girls, haven’t you truthfully always envisioned your knight in shining armor to really be wearing inappropriately low gym shorts taking a picture of himself? What a stud.


Speaking of studly behavior, I must give props to the guys who don’t pretend to be interested in my stellar personality, but who instead give me flat-out honesty by asking me immediately if I want to make out/hook up/etc. I honestly respect their honesty way more than the other Tinderizers looking for booty calls under the guise of gentlemanly small-talk that eventually turns into them asking you (heck no they aren’t going to drive to your place, c’mon) to drive over and “watch a movie.” While my answer is no, I do applaud their gumption.


I must admit, I’ve gone out on a few Tinder dates, and most of the guys have been normal and the dates have gone well. Yes, there was the rapist (that’s not a joke), but the guys I’ve met in person from Tinder have been much more down to earth than those I met when I was on Match.com. That’s another story.




Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day: An Ode to Ryan Reynolds


Ryan Reynolds, one of the sexiest men alive!Dear Readers,

Valentine's Day is my absolute favorite holiday. It involves pink, candy confections, and love...what more could I ask for? Ryan Reynolds even stopped by my office today and left a card. OK, my lovely co-worker left it, but it had this smoldering picture of him on the front. Delicious. Don't you just love him? I don't care who the "Sexiest Man Alive" was this year, because 2008 will always reign in my book. Unless they choose him again. I'm sure he'll get better with age. And speaking of Ryan Reynolds (who my friends know will someday realize he's meant to be with me...that doesn't stalkerish or crazy at all), I must share the following story:





Three years ago, when I was living in California, I left my house in La Jolla 6:15 a.m. (teachers work early) and walked toward the street where my car was parked. This greeted me on the back of my car.


                                         

And this was on my sunroof(yes, it's upside down because the perpetrators wanted me to be able to see it properly from inside the car):


My first thought was, "WHAT THE...?!" Then, as I more closely examined the other windows (which are not featured here because that would take an entire additional post to explain), I realized two of my best friends had played a hilarious prank on me. For the life of me though, I couldn't figure out who RR was (E stands for my full first name). I thought, "I don't even really like anyone currently..." After I had considered the initials of nearly every cute guy I knew, it dawned on my that RR stood for "Ryan Reynolds." Duh, my one true love! I didn't wash the car until the end of the day, and that's when my second favorite moment of the day occurred. The car wash attendant, as he got my information, said, "Congratulations!" I looked at him, slightly perplexed, and replied, "For what?" 

"Getting married!!"


Ah yes...


Happy Valentine's Day! 



Look by Liz Lewis


 
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