Tinder 101: A Crash Course on the Perils of the Ubiquitous Dating App

Nooooooo! We’ve all done it: you meant to swipe left, but you got so carried away showing your roommate how offensively horrible this guy was that you accidentally swiped right. Or you hit the stupid tiny “x” button in the upper right-hand portion of the screen while you were flipping through his photos. I have fairly small hands, but each time I try to use one of those instead of swiping, I think, “Is this an app for ants?!” Worse than the accidental swipe, however, is waking up the next morning semi-excited at the “You have a new match!” alert, only to discover the long-bearded, crazy-eyed hobo you accidentally swiped on has not only also swiped on you, but has already messaged you. Block. Block. BLOCK!





Then, you suddenly feel even more despondent with your dating life, when you ask yourself, how come Meatloaf is messaging me, but the hottie that supposedly swiped right on me has yet to say a word? And yes, you messaged him. It’s not like you’ve got to play hard to get that much given the fact that you both found each other’s pictures enticing. But seriously, why do people even use this app if they never talk to each other? I know it’s not just me. It happens to guys too. Despite the false comfort of anonymity behind the private texting function within the app, and that fact that you can block the person and make them disappear (but be careful, I’ve had “blocked” individuals suddenly reappear in my swiping pool), most people seem to still be morbidly afraid of branching out. There’s an epidemic of not being able to start a conversation in real life or online, evidently.




My other question is, and let me know if you feel the same way, what's up with the plethora of unattractive guys on Tinder lately? I feel like for every 15 scary ones (and I do mean scary—some photos make my jaw drop or I scream) there’s one normal-looking guy to whom I might consider giving a little right-side swipearoni love to. Honestly though, I have never seen so many ZZ Top-bearded, creepy-eyed, freaky deaky men on there as I have in the last month. Truthfully, I’m not sure which is worse—those guys or the Vegas-slick ones with the bathroom or gym selfie pics in basketball shorts that are so low-slung you wonder…yeah, you know what I’m talking about. But let’s be honest girls, haven’t you truthfully always envisioned your knight in shining armor to really be wearing inappropriately low gym shorts taking a picture of himself? What a stud.

Speaking of studly behavior, I must give props to the guys who don’t pretend to be interested in my stellar personality, but who instead give me flat-out honesty by asking me immediately if I want to make out/hook up/etc. I honestly respect their honesty way more than the other Tinderizers looking for booty calls under the guise of gentlemanly small-talk that eventually turns into them asking you (heck no they aren’t going to drive to your place, c’mon) to drive over and “watch a movie.” While my answer is no, I do applaud their gumption.

I must admit, I’ve gone out on a few Tinder dates, and most of the guys have been normal and the dates have gone well. Yes, there was the rapist (that’s not a joke), but the guys I’ve met in person from Tinder have been much more down to earth than those I met when I was on Match.com. That’s another story.